i wont be blogging here anymore. i shall be relocation to here. link opens with new window/tab.

edit: good luck, finding the new url! i removed it.

xoxo, Waihong.

So many things to do, so little time motivation to accomplish them. Take a look at me, procrastination personified!


felt like so many things have been happening, but at the end taking a looking back, seems like nothing has really happened at all. right now, i feel a lost for words to describe anything. motivation eludes me every single time. so really, why the lack of motivation? too little discipline to follow what i've planned. i wont lie i'm disappointed at myself for being so fail, and even just hours ago i was being judgemental. who's really judging who? if only motivation came in a form of a talisman, i'd be the first to that motherfucker on fire and drink its black burnt corpse with water.

moti- moti- need a lotta motivation!



if only i could find the drive to work hard for things in life - things that will affect and change the course of my life. time waits nobody, not me not you not anyone. and i really have too many loose ends to tie up. perhaps when i do eventually tie them up i would become a better person. with accomplishment comes satisfaction. i guess i just havent felt good about accomplishing tasks in a long time. perhaps i'm one of those recognition whores who eat and breathe recogniton.

time to grow up and step up the game, boy.


Waihong, unmotivated.

There are so many random yet vile thoughts flooding through my mind right now, as the car makes its way to jurong from pasir ris. I know I'm gonna suffer a bout of motion sickness later blogging on my mobile in a car, but what the heck, I just need a space to yabble on.

There is such a fine line between what makes a normal or sweet dream a nightmare. And recently I've been having many of these dreams coming to me during the day (yes, I do not dream in my sleep fyi) its starting deserve some concern. What started out as a seemingly normal daydream would be interrupted with a abnormaly, making it unpleasant; sometimes the abnormaly would be ridiculous; other times impossible; or at worst - immoral. I wonder where all these vile secretions in my dreams leak from. Has there been too many things happening around me? So much so I'm starting to lose my foothold on my subconscious mind? This could spell bad news in some aspects. The subconscious mind is way way way more powerful and influential than the conscious mind.

Being wrapped up and toasted over so much emotional flames, its more than just a cosy ride. When needs are not met, and that could mean trouble. Especially when the tolerance grows taut, like a rubber band, so taut it might snap. Its like walking on egg shells. Its a fragile and delicate situation. And worse is, I think I've crushed quite a plenty of shells already. Bad bad bad.

I need a doctor soon, or I'm gonna start pretending that airplanes are shooting stars and start wishing upon them. A random chatter reminded me how powerful words could be, and especially for me who could turn words into velvet or blades, losing touch on the craft meant my words going out of control. But sometimes I feel the need to speak unbeautified - unedited - to those who mean more to me. There should be no need to butter up my speech. Shouldn't I be speaking my mind in its simplest form?

Andddd, strange enough, now I'm in camp. A miracled came in through sms. Seems like a hint of understanding. Me loves to be understood! Feels like people are really paying attention! C: Anyway, I should close off the post here. It looks really long on my BlackBerry's screen. So long!


Waihong, miracled.

its been quite a eventful day out, from over at my darling's place to a steamboat shop somewhere in bugis and then over to clarke quay for some round of drinks.

i realise its only when one heads out and socialise with others that things happen. different things outside of one's regular routine. when things aren't controlled by your whimsical wants and wishes, one will be forced to adapt and make best of the situation; or the choice to enjoy or suffer the moment.

choices are made everyday, every moment. there is often no right or wrong to those choices made, only consequences and after actions. like karma, what goes around comes around. when one does not convey the desired message, the outcome becomes undesired; when one makes a choice in a rash without considering consequences, the consequences comes back around and kick you in the balls (if any).

but then again, who's never made bad choices? and whenever we realise the choice made is bad, there's another few choices splayed outfront: 1) you wait. 2) tackle immediately and rectify. often the choice made is 1) you wait. i'm not saying that is a bad choice, as many things are out of our hands, and based of situation, we have to wait for the appropriate opening to tackle the issue. as the saying goes, good things come to those who wait, but not for too long please.

i feel like an old man right now, after seeing my boys drink to their enlistment in the coming week, time seems to have just whizzed by. i need to do more meaningful stuff, find my loose endings in life and tie them up, plan for the next 5 years of my life, plan for the next 10 years afterwards, and plan how to clear my off-in-lieu and annual leave.

to be a better man? well that shall see, after all, perfection is contentment. will i ever be contented with my life? hahaha. i wanna be smart, but maybe just when i thought i know enough, i will realise i actually do not know anything at all.

oh the irony.


Waihong, living still.

i used to belong to a group, a circle of the awesomest friends i've ever known. they might not have been my longest friends, but we've been close since our meeting. and there came a day in february, just after i turned 21, when the wrong words were said at the wrong time. at the moment, those words just seemed like harmless chains of alphabets. and now months later, i think back upon them as though they were my greatest mistakes ever. never had i felt so much loss, not even compared to when i lost my first love.

it feels like i've lost a family.

i am not sure if i am the only one who feels like this, because maybe to some, i might only be just an acquaintance. and there are many more things i'll never know, all because i've lost that family. i remember in the early days 5 or 6 years ago when all of us first met. neither of us knew how far the friendship would last. maybe only till we separate when change schools? and in time to come, that question became redundant anyway. in the next few years, despite meeting new friends in new environments, junior college or polytechnic, the friendship held on tight. every gathering we had rekindled the feelings inside us. inside me.

then came that fateful day, just only barely half a year ago, i said it. from friction came sparks, from words emerged blades. i've hurt their feelings. i've put knives into my family's hearts. i've treated them like puppets and toys; fun things. and for that folly, i paid a heavy price. i chose wrongly, i paid in remorse. i miss everyone, all 11 of you. i know few of you or even none of you will see this, but i am truly sorry for what i said back then. i've been though pangs and pangs of remorse, realising how hard it is to be excluded.

i know i've been selfish and childish, and i can't take back those words i said then, but i just want y'all to know i'm sorry.

something is getting to me.
its creeping up and under my skin;
its eating into my flesh;
its drilling into my bones;
getting me right deep down to my soul.

i feel unwell, mentally. the pounding in my head just keeps coming back when i'm alone and undistracted. like the withdrawal symptoms from rehabilitation. but there are things not worth being rehabilitated from. so my question is, what's this addiction to? maybe i just wanted to feel more wanted. perhaps i just want back my past. now i know why the elders are always saying, time waits for nobody. once lost, considered gone. the more its delayed, the more diluted it becomes.

i once told someone, friends are like pebbles in the path of life. they come in all shapes and sizes, big or small, smooth or rough, pretty or down-right ugly.. these pebbles you (or i) pick up, and sometimes we throw them away for reasons. but life keeps us walking and walking, further away from those pebbles we cast away. do we make a detour to search for them? would they we worth the search for? where would they be? but i guess no one's gonna answer all these questions for me.

...therein the patient must minister to himself. -William Shakespeare

Waihong, unanswered.

i think im terrible at juggling balance into my life.

things i had,
people i once knew,
those who were once played important roles in my life,
are now gone.
like poof gone.

i miss them, really really miss them. i feel so remorseful that i've said those terrible things to them before. but the nails've been driven in; taking them out will still leave holes. this one is probably worst wrong turn i've ever made in my life. never before had i felt so alone and so outcasted. sure enough, i've had a new character casted into my world, but i've lost much much more. losing the latter is definitely not the price i paid to bring in the former; i've just played my hand bad, so how to i recoup my losses?

i dont know how to face these people anymore, maybe they've just forgotten about me, deemed me as someone not worth they're time; i want to be involved again, for they are my memories of my youth. they are the ones who i should have chosen at that point in time, but i fucked it up over and under.

someone tell me, what should i do?


waihong, lost.

feels like forever since the last time i had a mood to blog. turning more and more stoic as the days go by. maybe its a mechanism to make time pass faster; to be less willing to be involved in activities that could risk ending up in getting my ass busted for being helpful.

as they all say: act blur live longer; garang die faster.

today marks the last 5days of my SOL. i should be glad, but this single fucking SOL has burnt away so many things i've been anticipating for. i've been in camp for a total of 13 days already, i've missed Dreams III, and a chalet.

its hard trying to pretend everything is okay.

i'm trying hard to be okay.

i miss going home,
i miss going out,
i miss my baby,
i miss that 2days of freedom.

maybe i just don't want to be pitied. too independent for that. but even so, that doesn't mean i'm happy about being kept in on SOL.

I. Am. Not. Happy.

i just appear to be.

sheesh.


waihong, SOL-ed.

well yes, its been a really long time since i blogged, always cant find the right mood to post anything up here. perhaps its time i sweep the dust off of my blog.

the newest of the new would probably be my recent posting to 30SCE all the way from stagmont camp to jurong camp. yes, mindef hasn't been kind to me in my postings. time taken to go to camp has increase to an hour and a half. truly a troublesome change to adapt to for the next 18 months. i can only pray for my duties to be as painless as possible.

other than army, i dont think there's anything else much i can say here. christmas is round the corner, and i still havent gotten my gifts ready. i have outfield exercise that ends of new year's eve, which means i'll be spending 31 dec sleeping. sigh, army screws people over and over. why can't i serve my ns when i'm 12? i didnt have as many commitments back then, and i'd probably was too dumb then to complain about hardship.

other than that, life has been pretty normal. i'm missing all the people i hung out with back in TP, i miss my buddies from 4th COY in BMTC, i miss my mates from 13/10 in SI, i miss my parents, and lastly i miss my babygirl - only getting to see her once a week. army sucks. can't they do posting based on location? it makes activation easier as well doesn't it?

tomorrow is my unit family day at WWW, lucky me [: anyways, i shall be off to shower. then i'll call my babygirl :3

toodles~
Waihong, out.