sometimes i wonder if its better to be ignorant of certain things. well, what you don't know can't hurt you right? true to a point - provided you never ever find out about what you've been ignorant of. ignorance is not bliss; ignorance just means you're lucky.

feelings and thoughts contradict sometimes, but i guess thats how things work being a creature of emotion. now that i know what-i-know, seems like there will be quite a bit of work to be done, and a certain level of understanding to be nurtured. its should no longer be my thoughts my feelings, but rather my thoughts her feelings. or if more better - our thoughts our feelings.

with a fickle mind beats a fickle heart. with a fickle heart grows fickle emotions. how much does it take to tame them all? what does it take to be able to do so? playing the right cards? saying the right words? doing the right things. i need to return to my old self, before 7th june.

there's the heartache knowing i've changed so much; i've lost so much. i wonder how is it like for other enlistees. have they lost just as much as i have? was the old me really such a queer find? i don't wanna change away from the former me. i like how i was before. i dislike the current me. i've lost my strongest trait already, what more do i have to lose? i hope all these is only tempoary. that i'm just swept up in the sudden change of pace.

looks like i need to be in control of myself more than ever now. desperation strikes after 17 days of confinement. now more than ever. if only losing fats was as easy as losing my mind. sigh. i wonder if i should privatise my blog, so as to be more lenient with my information censorship. paragraphs after paragraphs cleared to prevent scrutiny.

i often wonder what i would see if i could read your mind.
would i see the consistency of thoughts?
or would i be blinded my the myraid of feelings and emotions?
a queer treasure you are, how do i make you mine?


Waihong, out.

i've realised over the years, i'm prone to anxiety attacks whenever situations do not go as i had planned or predicted. i will start to think, and the myraids of possiblities will swarm into my puny mind - anxiety attack.

but of course, there are many ways to keep the anxiety suppressed, at least until it disappears. somehow it seems possible for myself to talk myself out of the anxiety attack. simply by being on my own, walking and talking to myself works. i think i'm perhaps 51% insane most of the time.

my anxiety seems to have a physical manifestation on my body. there will always be a contraction in my abdomen, as if something is eating away from the inside. the tightness is consistent and only starts to subside when i talk myself out of the anxiety. weird huh? =.= i'm beginning to think i'm an alien not born of this world, and that my birth details are all fabricated fakes, and my parents are secret agents.

personally i hope i wont suffer from anxiety attacks in camp, being unable to know about how everyone is doing outside. yes, "not knowing" is my kryptonite. its a  peeve perhaps, but a lot a times, i get what i want to know. information. well, i hope that the hunger to know does not surface, that i'd be too preoccupied with my new life to think about mainland.

speaking of army, i still havent bought my necessities yet. more ziplocks, a watch, powder etc. may army be as i expect it to be. i really dont like unpleasant surprises. being posted in rocky hills certainly does not help much.


Waihong, out.

P.S. ever heard of a term "personal twitter" ?:D