today has been rather eventful.

didn't leave my bed until near noon, despite waking up at 10am. as always, these days i've been waking up and wondering what the day will bring me. no more schedules, no more routines. "absolute" freedom. decided that i should head out for a swim after lunch. the weather was awesome during the swim. no sun! though it did threaten to rain, but never did. headed to school to chill, met some friends for dinner, met another friend for a drink. chatted around, agreed to help, went home, and the rest is for you to guess.

i do realise i am trying very hard to be open with as many people as i can possible reach out to. amongst those that i try, i am glad that the openness is reciprocated. guess this is how its like to want to help people. disappointing thing is that i will miss all my wonderful friends in another month's time. i try to be optimistic, but whenever i think of 17 weeks in BMTC, all the optimism just seems to drain away. often i wonder if i'll be missed, if anyone will find it odd not having me around.

there's been so much going on in my head these nights that i wonder if i'll be able to chew everything at the same time. i don't to be a burden in anyone's life, and very much less if they are close to me. i want people to tell me things, i want to bicker, i want to laugh. feels like im trying to burn myself out, playing with different kinds of fires.

i wonder if i'll get burnt?

i feel so lifeless. blogging in school, waiting for the Introductory Workshop for PC to start later in the evening. i'm wondering if i should go to DeFRED to work. some jewelry company with a shop in Marina. the shop front looks damn poshed, and i dread wearing suits. anyway, i shall give it a look tomorrow.

speaking of time, there's about 6 weeks of freedom left before i disappear for 17 weeks. gotta live this month like its my last. wonder what can i do to live it up. go crazy? or just take it easy? there's a million things i want to do, but only left with ~72days. don't how to go about doing anything at all.

guess i'll just take it easy. find a job for one month and chill out. hopefully i can buy a PSP soon. i don't wanna look like a monk with dark specs. PTP is gonna leave me shag everyday. then BMTC will be like crap too. argh. CHANGE!! don't like. but its always there, always around me.

guess i'm just anxious to enter a new environment where everyone looks the same. green, bald, and specs. T-T ah nevermind. 72days. wait and suck thumb.

bye people.
Waihong, out.

*note: song starts @ 1:00min.

LYRICS:
You see my baby
You are my fire
The woman I can run to
Anytime my heart desires

You are the soul
In every breath I take
I don't know how to tell you
So I'll sing it in a song
If that's ok
If that's ok

And you wake up in the morning
Dressed up in all my clothes
Can you be home by seven?
I got love for you that no one knows
Cause I could be anything
For you it's all worth everything
We could stay up all night
Laughing about absolutely nothing

I'll be your doctor baby
Your lover too
And I'll be your alibi
Your everyday excuse
Cause baby what we have
Is too good to be true
Cause I cant take my eyes off of you

You see my baby
You are my fire
The best friend I can run to
Anytime my heart desires
See you're the only one
That knows how to get me
Your skin under the sheets
And how your kisses taste like honey

I'll be your doctor baby
Your lover too
And I'll be your alibi
Your everyday excuse
Cause baby what we have
Is too good to be true
Cause I cant take my eyes off of you

I'll be your doctor baby
Your lover too
And I'll be your alibi
Your everyday excuse
Cause baby what we have
Is too good to be true
Cause I cant take my eyes off of you

will it eventually be me against the world around me?

i thought about it alot, and i strongly believe that i have one too many selfish unique thought about the world around me. i don't wanna live like everyone else does, and even if i do eventually join their ranks, i want to be different for as long as possible. just as well, i am not one for the moral ethics.

recently, i've revisited a corner in memory lane, that about judging people. empathy never was my forte, and even so, i often tried to feel for others as much as i could. but that was in the past. now i'm forming impressions faster than ever, every single little action builds on to the person's image, much like a game of tetris.

i feel this onslaught of judgment creeping onto me. its only in times like this where i truly feel that ignorance is bliss.  i hope ignorance gets me through the initial heat, at the very least, its always calm in the eye of the storm.

 i want to do it.

hopefully this all is one of many passing showers, and that i'm making a mountain of a molehill. then again, who wishes for sweet dreams to end?

Waihong, out.

P.S. feels like i'm not making any sense.

gotta be prepared for changes to come.
gotta keep a strong will.
gotta have an adpative mindset.
gotta stay consciously on my toes.
gotta...
too many gottas. screw them all and i'll do what i wanna.

screw social trends. never liked to follow what everyone thinks is correct. so what if everyone says premarital sex is wrong? comes to me, i'll just go with the flow (example.)

i don't wanna be restricted anymore.
i want to experience new things, new people, new situations.
my hunger to know more is back again.
its stronger than ever.
i will find my way there, and satisfy this crave to know.

with my past left behind, i can see the road ahead once again.
but my absence has left me muddled, unable to tell right from wrong.
a myraid of roads lay before me,
paths that lead to pleasure, paths that send me to my demise.
do not chid me if i take a wrong turn, after all
the ultimate destination in life is all the same.

like a child, i stumble.
like a man who lost his sight, i fumble.
and like the person that i set out to be,
i will follow my heart wherever its compass points me to.
should it point at you, then so it shall be.

Waihong, out.

the moment the sun rises up, i will wake up with the actualization that i'm no longer a student anymore. there's even the contemplation as to whether my student ezlink will stop working entirely. it's time to enter back into the working world again, but as usual i'm too damn lazy to find myself a job through the papers. hoping to use referrals instead.

and with the coming of the new academic year in TP, i hope all my juniors are able to cope well with their studies and PC activities/problems. its only been less than 2 months since the official handover, and problems have been arising to no end. and i also hope that they will be able to rebute any problems that seemingly appear out from nowhere. then again, the pressure placed on them should make them stronger as leaders right? but still i gotta admit, they are having a pretty rough time considering the fact that they are new.

my bugbites don't seem to be healing, instead they look even more prominent now. bright red spots all over my legs. my arms are covered in patches of dead skin waiting to come off. thinking back, before the skin "died", there were countless small blisters in their place, its almost like straight out of a nightmare. imagine your entire bicep covered in mini blisters, followed by the forearms, and finally the back of the palm. sends chills doesn't it?

graduation day is exactly one month from now, early in the morning at 830am. i hate being in the first session, cos thats were all the higher awards will be given out, and not mentioning the extra speeches.

i'm also in the midst of waiting for my enlistment letter. marcus is going in on 2nd August. another dude i know of is going in on 12th August. hopefully all of us serving 24 months enter in August, and those fitter ones doing 22 months can enter in September or October, this way we can all ORD around the same time. (: so much for thinking about ORD already, i'm not even at the door steps of army life yet. wishing that everything goes well in army, that i become fitter and more awesome!

ok off to shower, and perhaps some thinking time later. yes, i love to think. :X

Waihong, out.

yes i am back from bintan, wearing a singlet tanline and load of bugbites! awesome place really. though the sea tides were not very cooperative, the low shoreline meant LOADS of sand and shells. managed to find a few good looking little pieces of shells, and almost killed a seasnail for its shell. i mean, the seasnail had this awesome looking orange gradient on its perfectly shaped cone, and i really wanted to turn it into a pendant of sorts. its THAT awesome. but the snail got the better of me, and hid deep into its home. i should have brought it back and killed it in bleach water or sth. grr! but either way i have loads of shells to work with now, i just need a mini drill and some keyrings or necklace strings. hopefully people do not call me cheapskate for bring those back as souvenirs, there really isnt anything to buy in bintan!

---

alright i shall give a general lowdown on the 3D2N stay at bintan!

DAY ONE.
took a morning ferry to bintan, wanted to reach there earlier to exlpore the area. but apparently the resort was really secluded, but hey! awesome beach, whose complaining? engaged in some illegal activites which i shall not say what here, and resutled in my extremely bad sunburn and one of my mates in a bad condition.

only day one, and already one man down. took him back to the resort all patched up, and later went off with another to the shallow beach in a mini underwater exploration. it was there found my first 5 shells, including a really cowrie shell. saw loads of tiny hermit crabs crawling across the seabed like a little army.

dinner was normal, had pineapple fried rice. night time was awesomed. due to having almost no lights, the stars shone brightly. the night was made even better knowing that there were 2 pretty hot spanish girls around the site as well.

---

DAY TWO.
woke up early with the intention of going snorkelling, but the sky was pouring. the rain did lighten up after a while, and we went to rent the snorkel gear, which was really dirty. the breathing tube(?) has mould on it =.= in the end, we just snorkelled using our own goggles and the life jacket. and just when we were far out, the worst thing happened, the it started raining again.

me and another dude tried to walk in the showers but were freaked out due to the fear of lightning. so instead we decided to stay low and stake it out. our conversation in the rain went something like:

Me: What if there's lightning? We're the tallest thing out here.
Him: Oh ya! Shit we better hide in the sea.
and we went into the water..
Him: There's a reason why life guards close the pool when it rains right?
Me: Heheh. Yes.. Thats right.. So it's either we walk or we hide.
Him: Yeah! So we hide in the water.

my shoulders sucked as the rain pelted down on the burnt skin, absolutely terrible. eventually the rain did let up, and we walked back along the sand banks. snorkelling was over.

it was then that we went around lifting up driftwood buried in the sand to look for sea critters. little lobsters, hermits, mudskippers, crabs, etc. and also for the first time i got clawed by a crab. more shells for the collection, as well as more hermits for the injured guy stuck back at the shack.

---

DAY THREE.
started off with a very cold morning even though we closed all our doors and the shack had no windows. generally a slow end to the trip, everything was easy and relaxed. sat down at the balcony with the rattan chair and stared out into the beautiful scenery, talking to a friend of 8 years.

i went down to the beach to collect more water for his hermits using a mineral bottle, and i was shocked. the water in the bottle looked exactly the same as normal mineral water. even under the sun, the water was crystal clear. shortly after 3 of us packed up and paid our tab. we had the driver take us to the town area to explore, and man was i disappointed. not to be rude, but the town was really outdated. similar to the street areas of malaysia if you've been there.

ended up walking aimlessly around, eating at their KFC which had overfried chicken. not being able to withstand it anymore, we told the driver to take us back to the terminal, where we eventually tipped him for driving us around. and then a 2 hours later, i was home [:

---

finally coming back to mainland allowed me to finish up some thoughts that i had left undone when i left for bintan. seems that perhaps i had hoped for a little more than reality could provide. while not that im complaining. friendship isn't all that bad anyway. only wished that some times wishes do come through. [:

Waihong, out.

Arts Leadership Camp: SUCCESS.

Bintan Semi-Backpack Trip: PENDING.

i wonder if i, out of all others who used to be insensitive, have learnt to read and respond to others' emotions? i don't know if its working out the right way, or if its even working at all, but i know i'm trying my very best to be even a little more sensitive than i was before. yes, i might still be a prick sometimes, being unable to read moods and all, i am giving myself a chance to change this side of me.

and even after being able to read moods, i want to be able to respond to moods. to respond approriately to moods. is it the insecurities i have about myself that prevents my actions? or could it be a natural disablity to do so? i'm guessing its the former. i've often wonder about people's opinions regarding me. times when a person glances at me, i get the feeling that he or she is forming an assumption about me. even more so for people whom i already am familiar with. more and more impressions are made, more and more assumptions are formulated. its in times like those that i wished i could read their minds and see what the world sees Waihong as.

my thoughts are running amok again, with the assumptions i've made on the issues that have been happening around me recently. now more than ever i want them to be affirmed; or disproved as a matter of fact. assumptions are intense negative energies that motivate the (my) mind to run wild. they challenge the scales of logic and common sense, at the same time convincing the host mind to do stupid things.

i wonder what have my asumptions made me do?

You oughta know
Tonight is the night to let it go
Put on a show
I wanna see how you lose control
So leave it behind
'Cause we have a night to get away
So come on and fly with me
As we make our great escape
-Down, Jay Sean

Arts Leadership Camp in the morning, gotta catch some sleep.
Waihong, out.

its been a nice day today, im honestly pleased.(:

if everday could feel so heartfelt, i wouldn't mind actually turning over a new leaf and be a better person. evening was especially amazing and amusing. had an open-minded chat with 2 of my little juniors while seated on a flight of steps, eating a pretzel and a bowl meesua. haven't had a cool chat session like this in ages, its only sad that we had to part eventually.

but even so, the parting still left me with ONE of them. see not everyone went home immediately. we walked from interchange to bus stop, and eventually agreeing on the silly idea of walking back to pasir ris. i hope her knee is ok, we did walk for over and hour before she went home. reaching pasir ris wasn't the final destination yet. there was contemplation as to whether our walk would end there, and the answer was : NO.

two of us - though not hand-in-hand - wandered through the little streets of my hometown, actively chattering to our neverending topics. its a pity mom and dad were home, or i would have invited her in to rest. an injured knee is still an injured knee even if it doesn't hurts. waited with her for her bus, and finally running across the street to buy shampoo which had mom accidentally thrown away earlier in the day.

even after the outdoor excitment died down, i was greeted with more amusement while at home. the phone rang, heard a load of ranting and also some vacuuming. i was once again put to the challenge to hunt down an unknown blog url. apparently i failed pretty badly. carelessly, i lost my trail and went on a wild goose chase. but of course thanks to a kind little angel with and injured knee that roped me back.

i somehow feel the above tangle of words seem like a dreamy representation of today, but right now, while still vivid in my thoughts, thats how they appear to me. these few days have felt like an entire new world to me. as if i've lost and found myself again in this new plane. i'm not sure why this is happening to me, but i shall observe this newfound me a tad longer.

if you do know who i was referring to in the above, good for you. otherwise, don't question. my thoughts are sealed with a... well. they are muted. tonight i shall fall asleep, feeling satisfied and warm. a few more days to a bundle of events, a few more days to spending more time with loved ones.

till next time,
Waihong, out.

P.S. : methinks that everyone in production crew should learn basic back massage techniques, to massage your poor peers that could have possibly been standing for 6 hours straight.

is it just me that enjoys hearing about a person's life experiences and feelings? i feel that hearing about a person's life stories allows me to feel and understand situations that i don't have the chance to encounter; as well as understand the very person him/herself better.

the need to get to know another person grows stronger within me everyday, since the very day i deceided to step out of my pathetic shell.

just this evening, when i went down to buy my dinner, i saw a girl that i knew lived in pasir ris. probably for as long as i remember, i've seen her pass by me countless times on the streets, or even taken the same buses to the same places. and for the first time today, when she walked pass me, we took a familiar glance at each other, and smiled.

it seems like a hi-bye friend greeting at first, but deep down, i could feel this different sensation churning. i don't have the faintest clue to what that churn could be, and yet it felt really good. its exciting, refreshing yet familiar and nostalgic. im not saying that i might be interested in that girl, just that this puzzling sensation has given me a new motivation.

this could very well be a new start for me. though regretably i couldn't step out any earlier, essentially wasting precious moments and opportunities away. but from now on! i hope to let lesser crucial chances slip through my fingers, no more sand faling from between my fingers.

chance really plays a cruel role sometimes. just as everything seems perfectly ok, there will an oddity or two that makes the perfect episode imperfect. a bro of mine had his heart broken recently, and it came to me as shock honestly. they looked so happy together, no one would have seen the tragedy coming. just as i had my heart broken before, i'm positive the feeling is similar. just as he said, "this is a freepass to curse, swear and talkcock". i've had my freepass once already, i can roughly understand how it feels.

anyhow, dude if you see this, midnight talkcock meet-ups are readily available.

i think i can end the post here and now. hope life bears many fruits of pleasant surprises for me in time to come. and that me and my bros grow stronger and find our special ones soon. well except for 2 of them.
L.O.L.

HEADLINE NEWS: my msn chatting gal just dc-ed and couldn't come back online.

i can feel something is changing in my life. it feels somewhat drastic, yet again minimal. perhaps the change itself applies to me only, that only i will be able to notice it; or maybe i will be oblivious to it, but everyone will be able to tell. either way, its a good thing. change - to me - is somehow always good. being stagnant is bad. every little change counts, be it mental or physical.
today (pardon me, i havent slept yet so its still today) felt like a mini gift to me. i havent felt so alive in a pretty long while. everyone i see, i feel happy. there's so much to talk to people today. i hope this marks the start of a new breakthrough in my life. the finishing line to poly life is already in sight, a few more steps and i'll be there. though there's the yearn to stay in the race, but i guess my road is coming to an end.

sadly its only towards the end that i start seeing things in a different light. guess im always a late bloomer. there's always things i could and should have done while i was still able to but never did. it sucks, but in the end, im just still a little naive soul stuck in a tall mortal body. i'll never feel full accomplished.

the hunger to know is always hounding me, as if its my very nature to want. i'm greedy, and envious. i've still yet to find redeeming points in myself, if my existence serves any good at all. i find myself untalented and inept compared to my peers. i am plagued by insecurities and uncertainty. and above all these, i want to know why. as with the answer, comes a solution to solve. if i knew the source of my weaknesses, i could root out my evils and fill those gaps with my (yet to be uncovered) strengths.

i've been reading blogs of people, some of which i find them extreme accomplished. peers of similar age are taking life and face level, scheming and plotting their lives ahead. some are already savvy in their fields, the others are giving it their all to reach the summit. i find their determination and drive admirable and perhaps desirable.

here i am, ploughing through my infinite amount of "what-ifs", blinded from what really matters. hope i can find my way back on my life track and continue towards a better life. (: i'm off to bed. meeting in the afternoon at 1pm. praying hard that the alarm does its job properly. then again, its my fault for staying up late. meh.

Waihong, out.