i used to belong to a group, a circle of the awesomest friends i've ever known. they might not have been my longest friends, but we've been close since our meeting. and there came a day in february, just after i turned 21, when the wrong words were said at the wrong time. at the moment, those words just seemed like harmless chains of alphabets. and now months later, i think back upon them as though they were my greatest mistakes ever. never had i felt so much loss, not even compared to when i lost my first love.

it feels like i've lost a family.

i am not sure if i am the only one who feels like this, because maybe to some, i might only be just an acquaintance. and there are many more things i'll never know, all because i've lost that family. i remember in the early days 5 or 6 years ago when all of us first met. neither of us knew how far the friendship would last. maybe only till we separate when change schools? and in time to come, that question became redundant anyway. in the next few years, despite meeting new friends in new environments, junior college or polytechnic, the friendship held on tight. every gathering we had rekindled the feelings inside us. inside me.

then came that fateful day, just only barely half a year ago, i said it. from friction came sparks, from words emerged blades. i've hurt their feelings. i've put knives into my family's hearts. i've treated them like puppets and toys; fun things. and for that folly, i paid a heavy price. i chose wrongly, i paid in remorse. i miss everyone, all 11 of you. i know few of you or even none of you will see this, but i am truly sorry for what i said back then. i've been though pangs and pangs of remorse, realising how hard it is to be excluded.

i know i've been selfish and childish, and i can't take back those words i said then, but i just want y'all to know i'm sorry.