figures i'm a person who needs loads of reassurance. i've realised that if i were to go on for long periods with little reassurance to my predictions and "readings", i tend to become irritable. but recently, i've come to realise that my hunch/gut feeling/prediction has a adequately high truth rate. this brings me back to my confidence: i have what it takes, i just need to believe in myself more.

some times it feels like i'm being a freak for excessively trying to read people's body language, down to every possible detail i can notice within the first few glances. the problem is, i never got to verify most of these evaluations. i can guess to the best of my knowledge, and thats about it. its a desire to confirm myself about myself. but i guess army will affirm me in many ways - i am gonna spend time with a lot of new people i do not know or aren't familiar with. thats a whole lot more non-verbal cues to watch for. (:

well, i think back, and always i end my chiding myself for wasting time wellowing in my past fruitless romance. but only the romance was fruitless. i've returned from a brutal mindfuck more resilient than my juvenile self. its sadistic to say, but everyone should go through a mindfuck once in their lives, it will change how you perceive the world. made me a better man i would say. but as i would put it, experience only lets you taste the cake, but you'll never know what went into the batter. only experience topped with knowledge lets one truly bake a fine tasting cake. confidence then serves as the pretty icings on top.

i'm becoming more naggy with my own philosophy. i only hope people do not think i'm some kind of narcissist. i only talk/nag to people who need my input or advice, otherwise its my own life and my own lies. i don't wish for anyone to live like how i did - naive and reckless - for its not a good way to learn life. but for me, i guess it turned out pretty well in the end, though battle-scarred and all. i'm was fucked up kid. and maybe now finally my turn to see how all the screwing has made me.


Waihong, out.

yes, its a measely 17 days left. much has happened in the week, though i shan't elaborate much here.

there are still things that i want to do/achieve, and the constant reminding of my enlistment makes me think otherwise. should i just put them off till after BMTC? its a 17-week absence, and frankly i'm really afraid of changing. its 4 months, and i think lots and lots will change. i don't wanna change either.

there's just so much going on in my mind, i can't verbalise. desires are increasing with loneliness. but i doubt any will be satisfied or curbed. sigh. if only someone knew; if only i could let someone know. ah, shan't think too much, worrying about things i cannot predict.

more short posts, well. take care.

play on, me.


Waihong, out.

feeling a little down, though a little could be an understatement right now.

down, because i've let down a few people in my life.

down, because i've been thrown a glare at.

down, because i've been ignored by.

but then again, i never gave my word i'd deliver. i never promised to anything. i have my own life to attend to as well. friends are no doubt at the core of my life, but its not the one there. i'm not a nice fella i'll admit. i'm just sweet, and capricious. its a dangerous concept to want to try.

but still, i'll learn from my screw ups. because i resent glares and being ignored without a known reason. and i'm not intuitive enough to know why either. so its either you tell me, or you tell me. no hold bars between friends. i predict i'll see y'all around in the far future, so lets get used to having each other screwing up once in a while. i have my selfish moments too, and frankly i like to screw up sometimes - just to be a bitch.

not good with apologies, but i gotta do it somehow.

inexperience finally has dropped its wake-up call on me. knowledge is nothing without experience, and experience cannot be gained without playing the game itself. but if the game is hard to come by, does it mean i'm doomed to be noob for as long as it takes? or maybe i'm just putting too much pressure on myself once again. but with this, i've had my first experience in the field, next time will be smoother - i hope to get better.

ok the downness is being alleviated gradually. i can take my mind off and go to bed. goodnight my dear, goodnight my world.


Waihong, out.

tonight seemed unlike any other night. 
there was a unique feel about in the air. 
from places quite never, 
the wind blew. 

a companion, 
a soul much like mine, 
together we walked through this urban forest, 
following the wind and its twirls. 

the breeze gently upon my neck, 
cooling the perspiration that had settled there.
every step taken felt like a sign,
that something special might happen tonight.


sounds lame, no?

there's always a feeling to want to shout my thoughts out to the world. but i'm afraid of being judged, afraid of the complications my actions might bring. i want to talk, with no fear of complications. where everything that can be said, will be said eventually. i'd like to think i'm very open with my perspectives, and i probably am not wired regularly. thanks mom.

i'm already missing the feeling of being able to openly share the oddities that flutter through my mind. a someone who can converse with me, and make me feel like myself all the time. cheeky, playful, passionate.

short post, tomorrow waihong shall cook lunch. (:


Waihong, out.

given this ridiculous amount of free time on my hands, everyday seems to be a day of discovery. everyday i could something new about myself.

just yesterday, i discovered how much i resented realising that i made a wrong decision. sure, initially the choice seemed sure, and that the consequences of making that choice was predictable. but thats as far as it gets. resultant occurances sometimes get so bewildering, and all i can do is to watch the scenario unfold itself way beyond my control. and only until the undesired has surfaced, that i realised "it was a wrong choice".

i realised no matter how selfish i want to get, i always end up giving in to people that i care for, even if that means i could risk being on the short end of the rope. i don't like to see the people i care for suffer, and will try to help ease their pain by means of comforting words and advice. but times the advice worked against my own other intentions, and ends up me not achieving my initial plans.  
i had to give in to the softer side of me. why?

i've never been one who likes to lose. especially to myself. all the time i try to remind myself: plan ahead for everything, but distractions are all around me, and i tend to get too caught up in the moment to remind myself. and it is in that blinded moment that i fail to choose the correct move. one wrong leads to another. and i would only realise it when the result bitch-slaps me in the face.

perhaps its time i learn to think and plan at the same time. think of the possible choices in the moment, and plan which choice leads to the most desirable outcome. spontaneous foresight, my boy. wished i wasnt wired to be such a naive person.

spontaneous foresight,
Waihong, out.

P.S. i also do realise i tend to think very negatively when i have to wait aimlessly. shucks. many much more discoveries, but the lack of foresight bugs me most. geez.

The Friend Ship.

as once again, i wonder to myself: how much of a friend have i been to those around me?

friendship requires neither feedback nor affirmation. it is a path were individuals, like you and me, walk on. subconsciously i met you, and you met me, and we all just got along together. time nurtures our bonds and constant co-inhibition breeds familiarity. by the time we realised we were friends, we're so comfortable being around each other, nothing else really seemed to matter.

there's no quota to meet to continue being friends, only rules that were silently agreed upon, boundaries that must not be crossed. but self-aware and perhaps self-conscious, between you and me, how far can our friendship sail?

asides from bonds that already made, new ones are always waiting to be forged. time and time, with every new friend i meet, i hoped so dearly that i can find someone like-minded, someone like me. not simply a personality clone, but someone who shares views and passion.

there already are people whom i deemed as brothers i never had, hence i'm looking even deeper. a soulmate perhaps. someone who can find me when i'm lost, fish me out of the murky darkness and nurse me back on track. someone who i want to tell my deepest, darkest shames to and still be able to joke freely with.

back to reality, i'm not complaining about what i already have. its the hunger for acceptance that drives me to want more. but then again, friendship transcends words and languages, perhaps its time i learn to look deeper into myself.


The Relation Ship.

ever since the huge mess since last november/december, i must say that i have grown quite a bit in the emotional department. leveled-up perhaps. but even so, i've only ever had ONE relationship that could even be called so. even so, why do some people still come to me for advice? shouldn't one approach the more experienced peers to tackle their problems? all i can offer is my foolishness along with some recklessness topped with beautiful words.

i chid myself for only finally stepping out of my past recently. and then to find that i have to enlist in june. romance, for me, is ever so elusive. perhaps its due to my own tardiness that i do not seize my chances. june draws nearer so hauntingly, and no man has ever escaped time. but my silver lining is there. i'm hopeful, albeit naive.

for someone who speaks like he knows alot, i'm what most of you might call: a noob. that i agree. having made a big mess and fallen out of a heck long of a fiasco has made me rust. the first impression only lasts so long before she starts to realise your true side. your weak side. but even so, i believe being a romanticist will aid me in my relationship. words can play the mind, and as a certain saying goes: seduce her mind, and her body is yours. sounds preverse, but i meant it with context to romance, and not just sex.

i am a touchy lover if any should ask. i probably go by two main love languages: touch and words. touch is real; words are seductive. i like to be seduced. (:

---

ok, enough of ships.

not trying to be a prick, but i do like having confidantes (note: confidantes are females; confidants are male.). i'd like to understand how girls/women think. guys are just guys, and thats all we are.

i want to be close enough to you for you to depend on. 
i want you to know i will listen if you pour your heart;  
i will care.

vent your frustrations, 
voice out your vilest thoughts. 
i don't want you to feel that you are all alone.

let down your guard,
let me into your mind.
we'll trade secrets;
we'll share thoughts.

i just want you to know, that i care.

sometimes i wonder if this count as a poem? well either way, this is how a romanticist thinks (:


Waihong, out.

the countdown to enlistment certainly is filled with, well, nothing much. well of course there'd be little perks from time to time, but most of the time, i'm glued to my chair, letting the fats accumulate. yes i did think of exercising all the way till the end of May to get even the slightest bit used to mushing myself however, the engines just wouldnt start.

some times i think i might be a true-blue hypocrite - that i dont practice what i preach. then again, what i "preach" most of the time, is based on the consultee's situation. me, not having the luxury of experiencing what my consultee has been through, can only give advice based on my personal logic and moral. it is not what i would do, its what you should do. i guess this is the only way i can convince myself that i am not a chronic hypocrite. Waihong may or may not operate on similar frequencies.

the bug bites are not healing properly, im guessing its due to the chlorine i've enjoyed swimming in so much. they look like chicken pox/small pox now, if i were still schooling, i bet i can easily score a few days MCs by just appearing. my middle back is also acting up, must be the sprain from swimming. i need a back massage, any volunteers? i'll massage you in return too *big grins*

i miss all my friends, i miss being able to hang out at coffeeshops/fastfoodjoints, laughing, talking cock, joking, insulting with each other, all until the cows come home. everyone is busy nowadays, comparing relatively to the ridiculous amount of time that i have now. the library shall be my new best friend then.

hello blog, its been awhile since i wrote on you :3

ah, the recent week has been pretty entertaining for a bum like me, though i can't remember much in detail. kinda just realised that i am left with 30 days before enlistment, and everytime i think about it, a cocktail of emotions appear in my mind, served in a tall martini glass topped with a slice of fruit.

recently i've been thinking about morals and logic. everyone has different morals and logic, where morals are to do what is not wrong; and logic is to do what is doable. i know this could be highly subjective, you people are welcomed to share your thoughts with me on my board if any. i wonder how much would it take to push someone off their morals and do things that they want to and yet is not right.

i have so much i want to pour out, but yet restricted. i have much perversed ideas and thoughts all the time. even the harmless and meaningless words could be made into sexual innuendos if repeated by me. but then again, by perverse i mean by directed away from what is right or good. sexual innuendos are just some of the possible results.

sometimes i think im a romanticist by nature, and i cant speak as freely as i want to. i cant possibly call everyone "dear" right? unless permitted :X maybe thats why i want to be in love, a relationship, where all the unspent "energy" could be channelled towards my significant other. getting a girlfriend? thats probably a plan for 2012; but i wont mind surprises in my remaining one month, a fling doesnt sound that bad either.

recently i've been very very very very keen on non verbal communication, on how the body actually speaks more than the mouth. the more i spend time reading someone's body language, the more interesting it gets. im getting addicted to this, yeah. but i shant share much about it here, google it if you're interested (: perhaps we could share our findings over coffee.

im feeling awesomely random now, perhaps due to the chocolate frappe i had awhile ago at mcCafe. i guess i am susceptible to sugar highs, and it sure feels good everytime the high gear kicks in. i think of crazy things when im high. i become more touchy, more verbal, more uninhibited. my thoughts are rearranged and frankly, i could become an entirely different person. don't believe? try me (:

ok im running out of things to type about. so i shall just stop here. bleh.

Waihong, out.