figures i'm a person who needs loads of reassurance. i've realised that if i were to go on for long periods with little reassurance to my predictions and "readings", i tend to become irritable. but recently, i've come to realise that my hunch/gut feeling/prediction has a adequately high truth rate. this brings me back to my confidence: i have what it takes, i just need to believe in myself more.

some times it feels like i'm being a freak for excessively trying to read people's body language, down to every possible detail i can notice within the first few glances. the problem is, i never got to verify most of these evaluations. i can guess to the best of my knowledge, and thats about it. its a desire to confirm myself about myself. but i guess army will affirm me in many ways - i am gonna spend time with a lot of new people i do not know or aren't familiar with. thats a whole lot more non-verbal cues to watch for. (:

well, i think back, and always i end my chiding myself for wasting time wellowing in my past fruitless romance. but only the romance was fruitless. i've returned from a brutal mindfuck more resilient than my juvenile self. its sadistic to say, but everyone should go through a mindfuck once in their lives, it will change how you perceive the world. made me a better man i would say. but as i would put it, experience only lets you taste the cake, but you'll never know what went into the batter. only experience topped with knowledge lets one truly bake a fine tasting cake. confidence then serves as the pretty icings on top.

i'm becoming more naggy with my own philosophy. i only hope people do not think i'm some kind of narcissist. i only talk/nag to people who need my input or advice, otherwise its my own life and my own lies. i don't wish for anyone to live like how i did - naive and reckless - for its not a good way to learn life. but for me, i guess it turned out pretty well in the end, though battle-scarred and all. i'm was fucked up kid. and maybe now finally my turn to see how all the screwing has made me.


Waihong, out.