i can feel something is changing in my life. it feels somewhat drastic, yet again minimal. perhaps the change itself applies to me only, that only i will be able to notice it; or maybe i will be oblivious to it, but everyone will be able to tell. either way, its a good thing. change - to me - is somehow always good. being stagnant is bad. every little change counts, be it mental or physical.
today (pardon me, i havent slept yet so its still today) felt like a mini gift to me. i havent felt so alive in a pretty long while. everyone i see, i feel happy. there's so much to talk to people today. i hope this marks the start of a new breakthrough in my life. the finishing line to poly life is already in sight, a few more steps and i'll be there. though there's the yearn to stay in the race, but i guess my road is coming to an end.

sadly its only towards the end that i start seeing things in a different light. guess im always a late bloomer. there's always things i could and should have done while i was still able to but never did. it sucks, but in the end, im just still a little naive soul stuck in a tall mortal body. i'll never feel full accomplished.

the hunger to know is always hounding me, as if its my very nature to want. i'm greedy, and envious. i've still yet to find redeeming points in myself, if my existence serves any good at all. i find myself untalented and inept compared to my peers. i am plagued by insecurities and uncertainty. and above all these, i want to know why. as with the answer, comes a solution to solve. if i knew the source of my weaknesses, i could root out my evils and fill those gaps with my (yet to be uncovered) strengths.

i've been reading blogs of people, some of which i find them extreme accomplished. peers of similar age are taking life and face level, scheming and plotting their lives ahead. some are already savvy in their fields, the others are giving it their all to reach the summit. i find their determination and drive admirable and perhaps desirable.

here i am, ploughing through my infinite amount of "what-ifs", blinded from what really matters. hope i can find my way back on my life track and continue towards a better life. (: i'm off to bed. meeting in the afternoon at 1pm. praying hard that the alarm does its job properly. then again, its my fault for staying up late. meh.

Waihong, out.